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(Performed to the tune of "The Cap Me Granda' Wore", by Mick Thomas. Found on the album "The Horse's Prayer", recorded by Mick Thomas and the Sure Thing - track 5, CD1)

The UN Weapon Inspectors' Lament.

Well who could blame us?
We were told that there was something there
The USA were positive
We'd better go and see

So we packed our bags for Baghdad
And got our UN escort there
We knew what we were looking for
They'd told us what we're looking for
We knew the signs and symptoms
We knew precisely where they'd be

So just as soon as we touched ground
We started looking all around
And we made a note of what we found
It's quite a list you see;
We'd found ...

(Chorus)

The Lost ark of the Covenant
Likewise the Holy Grail
Some hen's teeth, rocking horse manure
(both of these in great proportion)

The city of Atlantis
Lead turned to gold and more
But no link to Al Queda
And no reason for a war

Well who could blame them?
The weapons had to be somewhere
Maybe we'd overlooked them
Had we looked in the right place?

But Iraq's a smallish country
We were sure that we'd looked everywhere
They sent another team right in
Saddam kicked up an awful din
The mullahs said it was a sin
Where can you hide your face?

They looked for biological
And physical and chemical
And even ecological
But not a single trace, just...

(Chorus)

Well can you blame us
We'd searched the country up and down
We couldn't find a bloody thing
We told the UN so.

We were told that we weren't looking
It was on the other side of town
We said we'd looked there yesterday
And nothing was there yesterday
There wasn't more for us to say
The USA said no

So they sent in yet another team
All shiny, bright and full of dreams
And they went in there at full steam
With nothing more to show

Then someone had a clever thought
They'd add together our report
With what the other teams had brought
And hey, guess what, you know
We'd found...

The Lost Ark of the Covenant
Likewise the Holy Grail
Some hen's teeth, rocking horse manure
(We really should have got a franchise)

The city of Atlantis
Lead turned to gold and more
And a group of stray survivors
From the Spanish Civil War

The crew of the Marie Celeste
As well as Flight Nineteen
Some bugger called Lord Lucan
(He said he wondered where we'd got to)

The secret of cold fusion
And perpetual motion too
A dozen gross of plotholes
And a decent Mary-Sue

Six unicorns, a gryphon
And a dragon in full flame
The graveyard of the elephants
And a Martian probe from NASA

Elvis with Jim Morrison
(That really was a shock)
A minefield full of pencil stubs
And every single sock

A first issue Necronomicon
Will Shakespeare's missing plays
A bible first edition print
(Signed by all the twelve apostles)

The briefcase from "Pulp Fiction"
Some diamonds from the moon
All of these residing
In a place called Brigadoon

Plus the lost ark of the Covenant
Likewise the holy grail
Some hen's teeth, rocking horse manure
(That franchise now looks even better)

The city of Atlantis
Lead turned to gold and more
But nothing that looked vaguely
Like a reason for a war

But of course the US had to go
And start themselves a war....

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